What Are We Really Fighting About?

Written by Shagufta Khaliq, LPC, MD, MBA

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an argument with your partner and suddenly thought, How did we even get here?

It started with the dishes.

Or being late.

Or a text that went unanswered.

Or one person saying, “Why didn’t you tell me?” and the other responding, “I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

A few minutes later, you are no longer talking about what happened. You are talking about last week, six months ago, or something that happened three Thanksgivings ago.

So, what are you actually fighting about?

Sometimes, it is not about the thing you are arguing about at all.

When Small Things Feel Big

Small disagreements can carry much bigger feelings.

“Why didn’t you call me?” may mean, I wanted to know you were thinking about me.

“You never help around here” may mean, I feel overwhelmed and I need you.

“You’re always on your phone” may mean, I miss you. I want your attention.

“You don’t listen to me” may mean, I want to feel like what I say matters to you.

The problem is that our partner hears the complaint, not always the feeling underneath it.

One person says, “You never listen to me.”

The other person immediately thinks, That’s not true. I listen to you all the time.

Now one person is defending themselves while the other is trying harder to be heard. Both people become frustrated, and the conversation moves further away from what either person needed in the first place.

What Is Underneath the Argument?

The Gottman Method explores the idea that recurring conflict can have deeper meaning underneath it. Sometimes a disagreement is connected to something more personal, such as our values, fears, hopes, past experiences, or what we need from the relationship.

Think about an argument you have had more than once.

Maybe your partner made plans without asking you first. On the surface, you are arguing about the plans. Underneath, you may be thinking, Why didn’t you consider me? Does my opinion matter to you?

Maybe your partner forgot something you asked them to do. You may be frustrated about the forgotten task, but underneath that frustration could be, I have so much on my plate. I need to know I can count on you.

Maybe your partner seems distracted while you are talking. The argument becomes about the phone, but what you are feeling is, I want your attention. I want to feel important to you.

This is why the same argument can happen again and again even after the practical problem seems to have been solved. If we only talk about what happened and never understand why it mattered, we may be missing the conversation underneath the conversation.

Why Don’t We Say What We Actually Feel?

Because the softer feeling can be harder to say.

“You don’t care about me” can feel easier than saying, “I felt unimportant to you in that moment.”

“You never make time for me” can feel easier than saying, “I miss you, and I want to feel close to you again.”

Anger can protect us. Vulnerability asks us to show someone where we hurt.

Sometimes we do not even realize what we are feeling until we slow down enough to think about it. We know we are annoyed. We know something bothered us. But we have not asked ourselves, Why did this hurt me so much?

That question can change the conversation.

Listen for the Need, Not Only the Words

This goes both ways.

When your partner is upset, instead of immediately preparing your response, try becoming curious about what they are trying to tell you.

You can ask:

“What part of this bothered you the most?”
“Did you feel like I wasn’t considering you?”
“What did you need from me in that moment?”
“Help me understand what this felt like for you.”

Understanding someone does not mean you have to agree with everything they are saying. It means you are willing to understand why it matters to them.

Sometimes being understood is what the argument was asking for all along.

Say the Softer Thing

How we begin a difficult conversation matters. The Gottman Method describes a gentle start up as a way of approaching conflict without criticism or blame and expressing what you feel and need more clearly.

The next time you feel yourself getting ready to criticize, stop for a moment and ask, What am I actually trying to tell my partner?

Instead of “You don’t care,” try, “I felt unimportant in that moment.”

Instead of “You never listen,” try, “I need you to hear me right now, not fix it.”

Instead of “You care more about your phone than me,” try, “I miss having your attention. Can we put our phones away for a little while?”

Instead of “I do everything around here,” try, “I’m overwhelmed and I need more help.”

There is a big difference between telling someone what is wrong with them and telling them what you need from them.

The softer statement may feel more vulnerable, but it also gives your partner something they can respond to.

Pause. Ask. Listen.

The next time a small disagreement starts turning into a big argument, pause and ask yourself:

What am I feeling right now?
Why did this matter so much to me?
What did I need from my partner in that moment?
Am I telling them what I need, or am I criticizing them for not knowing?
What might my partner be trying to tell me underneath their frustration?

You do not have to answer every question perfectly. The point is to slow the conversation down long enough to understand what is happening beneath it.

A Final Thought

Conflict does not always mean something is wrong with your relationship. Two people can care deeply about each other and still misunderstand one another, become defensive, or have trouble saying what they need.

The goal is not to never disagree.

The goal is to understand what the disagreement is actually about.

Yes, sometimes it is about the dishes. The dishes still need to get done.

But sometimes underneath the argument is a much more important question:

Do you see me?

Do you hear me?

Do I matter to you?

Can I count on you?

Are we okay?

The next time an argument feels bigger than the thing that started it, ask each other one question:

You may find that underneath all the frustration, both of you are asking for something much simpler: to feel heard, valued, understood, and connected.

If you and your partner keep finding yourselves in the same arguments, counseling can offer a space to slow those patterns down, understand what is happening underneath them, and learn healthier ways to communicate and reconnect.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books.

The Gottman Institute. (n.d.). The four horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute.

The Gottman Institute. (n.d.). P is for problems. The Gottman Institute.